#3 - Charli xcx - BRAT but it’s an EOY blurb, or something

I tried pitching this story to a dozen places, but nobody wanted it. What the hell, this would’ve gone crazy on the pageview charts! Anyway, here’s the story of how I discovered a secret challenge at the Charli xcx Storm King Brat Album But It’s An Experience™ experience.

The other week, myself and a few hundred VIPs—other journalists, local stans, TikTok pundits—were invited to take the Metro-North upstate for a private Charli xcx concert at the outdoor Storm King sculpture garden. It was organized to celebrate the release of her remix album. This random Thursday felt late-term-pregnant with potential: Would there be free food? How would the remix album sound? Would I fall in bratty love with another Angel? What if Charli did a bump off a sculpture?

Upon arrival, the vibes were chill sesh. They shepherded us along a tree-flanked path, past immense sculptures and little creeks. We milled in a clearing, munching on BRAT-green hamburgers and pork buns stamped with Charli winking prepared by food carts. There was a lot of waiting; Charli was supposed to perform at 3pm, but she was late. Time yawned on and we grew restless—the tone of the collective conversation morphed from feverish glee to acidic confusion. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a glow stick waving in the distance, deep inside the tree-covered forest. It looked like a crossing guard with reflective gear at night.

I’m a journalist, so I knew I had to explore. Just when I started motioning toward the light, a plume of rapturous cheers exploded: Charli’s limousine was pulling up the hill, crushing all the vegetation underfoot, toward the giant BRAT sculpture erected in her honor. I had to make a split-second decision: report on the show, which I was supposed to do, or get freaky with it?

So I began sprinting toward the glow—which was starting to fade, just as Charli’s music was rising in volume. I fearlessly scrambled into the forest, nearly dropping my tote bag containing my new Uniqlo thermal gloves, and found the woman holding the colored stick.

“Welcome young Brat-awan,” she bowed. “You made it just in time. This is the Charli xcx Storm King Brat Album But It’s An Experience™ Pre-show Challenge Opportunity. Follow the signs.”

I realized that she was standing above a stairwell. Summoning up all my courage, which wasn’t much because I’m generally known as a pretty feckless and pathetic person, I descended. Festooned on the dank walls were portraits of Charli in various poses and points of her career. The stairwell speaker seemed to be blasting every song Charli has ever released at once, so it came out as a cacophonous, metallic onslaught, an omni-choir of pure 100% Charli potency.

At the bottom, it was revealed that I was about to enter a Gauntlet of the Angels. I would face a series of tasks and if I completed it, which no one had yet managed to do, I’d win prizes.

Round One involved mediating a conversation between two frenemies in what was a simulated “Girl, so confusing” situation. I sat down with them for hours, carefully teasing out their vitriol and reaching a point where both parties realized they liked each other. When I completed the challenge, Lorde came out of a secret hole in the wall and gave me a New Zealand-style hug.

Round Two was already insane: I needed to survive in a panopticonic GITMO-esque cell where I was bombarded with a relentless barrage of Addison Rae’s scream from the “Von dutch” remix. Each round, the pitch surged up and the volume became even more piercing, pushing me to the brink. As excruciating as it became—her cries are still ringing in my mind—I never quit.

For Round Three, they had built a mini-studio underground. Sitting inside was New York rapper Wiki. They gave me a brief and said I had to collaborate with Wiki and Charli xcx AI tools (I was to perform Charli’s vocals) to produce Bratking, a new album that tells the story of ambitious city dwellers striving to overthrow the tyranny of Dimes Square. The template record image showed an ouroboros of cocaine, symbolizing a ratking of debauchery. Despite my minor experience in music production (I had a brief stint as an emo rapper when I was 14), Wiki and I cooked up something thrilling enough to get a Brat New Music review by Witchfork writer A.G. Cook.

The staff member who let me in, who was giving me instructions over the loudspeakers, told me I made it farther than any other contestant today. I was briefly jubilant. But then she said I was about to face the toughest challenge of them all. The Final Round: The Brat Obstacle Course.

It began with a hall of swinging knives, which each had “sympathy” written on them; the final knife was wielded by featured artist Ariana Grande herself. Next I had to keep my wits about me as I swerved through a maze of funhouse mirrors; Bladee’s voice drifted out of every corner, offering nihilistic adages and anhedonic maxims to get me to lose faith and give up. I finally made it through and came upon a gargantuan body of cave water. To pass, I had to climb aboard and maneuver my way through the PC Music farewell tour boat, while Umru distracted me with a live DJ set. It was also midway sinking, in a 2020s hyperpop recreation of the Titanic.

Finally, the last stage—I needed to ascend a tall underground mountain while staff members wearing the costumes of every single featured artist pelted me with apples. They tore me up, bruising my forehead and shoulders and hands. “I hope you’re free bleeding!” the Caroline Polachek lookalike warbled angelically. When a staff member wearing a badly stitched Julian Casablancas getup smashed me right in the mouth, I nearly lost balance and tumbled back to the bottom. But luckily, I had equipped my Uniqlo thermal gloves, which gave me the grip to hold on.

“Congratulations,” the original staff woman grinned after I reached the summit. “You are the platonic brat, with an insatiable desire to be tamed.”

When I finished, they rewarded me with a chartreuse-green cocktail, a booklet with a guide on how to register to vote for Kamala Harris, a poorly manufactured tote bag, and a t-shirt that said “Art” in the BRAT font. I flipped the t-shirt on Grailed for $6 million. I’m now living on my own private island with a live-in Michelin star chef and a private farm with alpacas.

Top 10 BRAT Ranking

10. “Rewind” remix with Bladee

9. “Sympathy is a knife”

8. “365” remix with Shygirl

7. “Apple”

6. “360”

5. “Girl, so confusing” remix with Lorde

4. “Everything Is Romantic” remix with Caroline Polachek

3. “So I” remix with A.G. Cook

2. “Von dutch” remix with Addison Rae

1. “365”